When the going gets tough, is it time to bolt?

Marriage is a commitment and sometimes problems come in droves. When money is the issue, do you stick or bolt?

What about dating? If you’re a single lady and you’re asked over to your date’s home on the first meeting, are you prudish or difficult if you refuse?
Feb 26, 2016 issue of The CJN

 

Dear Ella,

My husband Paul and I have been married for five years and have a four-year-old daughter. Paul was laid off work a few months ago. His severance is coming to an end, and it has put a huge wedge between us. All we do is fight. The job market is challenging, and we live in Toronto with a mortgage, car payments and living expenses that can’t be managed on one salary. Our daughter cries and is crankier than ever. She feels our tension.

I’m hoping we’ll get through this with our marriage intact, but as each day passes, we are growing further apart. Inappropriate comments are being said that can’t be taken back. The love we shared is taking a back seat to this stress. Help!

Sincerely,

Marriage Meltdown

Dear Marriage Meltdown

Money problems can ruin a marriage, and yours has been hit squarely in the face by our economy. The fear and constant anxiety of the unknown are overwhelming. You need to regroup both emotionally and financially. Take a deep breath, put your anger aside and communicate as a team. You need a concrete plan.

Toronto is a very expensive city. This can work to your benefit. For starters, you are homeowners at a time when prices have soared. Depending on when and where you bought your home, it’s probably increased in value. Talk to a good, experienced real estate agent who knows your market, as well as markets outside of Toronto. It’s free. You may discover you are sitting on some substantial equity.

Create a realistic a budget you can both stick to. Can you manage with one car for now? Where can you sacrifice? Seeing numbers on paper forces accountability and makes it easier to trim expenses.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a blip, albeit a big one, in a lifelong marriage. Don’t forget to make time to enjoy yourselves, too, with family activities like a walk in the park, ice skating, tobogganing or playing games. You need fun to balance the stress and to remind you of why you fell in love in the first place.
Work together and support each other though this challenging time. It won’t last forever. Hunker down and ride it out. You have a strong common goal: your family. Working together through this crisis will empower and strengthen your marriage. You can do this.

---

Dear Ella,

I agreed to meet Andrew after connecting online. We met at Starbucks and talked for a couple of hours. He asked if I would like to continue our chat over dinner, and I agreed, until he suggested we go to his place for dinner.

I was really taken aback. How could he think I would agree to go to his place after knowing this stranger for two hours? I suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable and realized I had misjudged this guy. He was shocked at my reaction. All I wanted to do is get out of that coffee shop and run. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Couldn’t Run Fast Enough

Dear Couldn’t Run Fast Enough,

Good for you for not allowing yourself to be pressured into a situation you are uncomfortable with.

Dating requires a balance. You allow yourself to be a little vulnerable by letting your guard down so your date can get to know you while staying true to your feelings and never doubting your instincts.

Never allow yourself to be in a situation where you don’t feel safe. If Andrew can’t understand that a first date should never take you to a secluded place where you are alone together, then Andrew is either completely out of touch with the etiquette of dating, or he has an ulterior motive.

Either way, bravo for not allowing yourself to be pressured into feeling like you’re the one with the problem. You’ve got your values and intuition intact. I only hope that anyone else who comes across Andrew is equally as confident in their decision, or is a specialist in krav maga.

Is it possible to be too sensitive?

In this week’s issue of The CJN I talk about men who cry….cry a lot.
Would that bother you? I also made a discovery of a condition I knew nothing about that affects 15-20% of the population called HSP.
In the 2nd letter, I touch on how this condition can affect kids too.

Dear Ella,

Josh is in tune with my needs and really listens to me when I speak. He’s the first guy I’ve dated in years who I feel connects to me emotionally and physically.

I feel petty even mentioning this problem, but here goes: he’s a crier. He cries more than I do. I don’t mean just in tragic situations. I mean he cries watching movies, TV shows or reading. Last week, we went to see Star Wars and there was a short before the movie in which a snowman was left alone in a refrigerator while the little girl who made him grew up and forgot about him. Oh my God did Josh sob!

What is that? Of all the men I’ve known in my life, I rarely saw any cry, and for sure not in public. I don’t even know any women that cry as much as he does.

Do you think I can approach this subject with him, or should I just pretend not to notice and stop being so petty?

Sincerely,

Crying Game

Dear Crying Game

Josh sounds like a very sensitive person. It’s phenomenal to be able to find a match that fits with your needs this well.

This trait actually has a clinical name. Josh is a highly sensitive person or HSP. People like Josh feel things more deeply than most. He processes stimuli more acutely. He is likely more aware and in tune to all of his senses than the average person.

The question then becomes is this a problem? If it’s not a problem for Josh, why is it a problem for you? Are you embarrassed? Do you feel less secure with a man who cries? On one hand, you are happy to have found a man who really hears and feels you, but on the other, you want him to check his sensitivity when it spills over into tears.

Society has conditioned us to perceive a crying man as weak, and we all know that “big boys don’t cry” right? Wrong. Just recently we witnessed U.S. President Barack Obama cry while speaking about gun violence. Josh has broken the stereotype society has placed on genders and is not uncomfortable showing real emotion.

In a nutshell, this is not Josh’s problem, it’s yours. Instead of seeing his crying as a weakness, see it as a strength – the strength of a man not ashamed or embarrassed to show emotion.

---

Dear Ella,

This is the first year that our seven-year old Hannah has started to have sleepovers. She has a best friend, Hailey, who is a sweet, adorable little girl. The problem is when Hailey is here, things always escalate to tears. Hailey’s tears. We have a busy house with three kids always running around. Our oldest boy is often playing hockey in the basement and yelling at the girls to get out. Hailey cries. If someone says something off, Hailey cries. This time we had a sleepover, and Hailey cried that she wanted to go home. This child is a little too much work for me right now, but I don’t want to discourage Hannah from having her over. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Little Drama Queen

Dear Little Drama Queen

Hailey is a highly sensitive child and therefore you need to handle her visits with extra TLC. I’m not sure how much you want to get involved, but I suggest you start by speaking to Hailey’s parents about your observations and asking for tips to make Hailey and Hannah’s visits filled with more fun and less drama.

Hailey becomes overwhelmed easily and, therefore, needs more structure to her visits. She probably doesn’t like noise, screaming, fighting or surprises, which is why the basement isn’t the best place for the girls when the boys are playing hockey there. 

When Hailey comes over, try to structure the girls activities around quieter play, such as puzzles, crafts or a movie. Keep them away from the boys’ rougher play. The girls are still young for sleepovers. Maybe stick to daytime play for now. If they are great friends, the little extra effort will be worth it.

When Should a First Date Progress to a Second?

Dear Ella,

I hate first dates, and I’ve had quite a few lately. What’s with all the shtick men have now? The first guy seemed normal online and on the phone. We went for dinner and everything was going well, until he reached over and picked up a bunch of fries off my plate. The next guy barely took his eyes off his phone as his annoying text message alert kept interrupting our conversation. I couldn’t help feel the texts were about me. The third guy was clearly not over his ex and couldn’t stop discussing what a bitch she was. All deal-breakers in my book.

Isn’t there anyone left out there that’s normal! I’m so frustrated I could scream. How am I ever going to meet Mr. Right?

Sincerely,

Hates Dating

Dear Hates Dating,

Dating is all about the risks and the rewards. You have no choice but to put yourself out there in order to progress that first date into a second one. 

The first impression someone makes may not convey who they really are as a potential partner. You’re meeting a superficial being on the first date, someone who might be nervous, trying to put forward a specific persona, or trying too hard to impress you. On the other hand, he may truly be a jerk and not dating for the same reasons you are.

Time to put your Sherlock hat on and follow your instincts. It’s not easy, and you have to be smart. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if that first date should turn into a second. 

First and foremost, do you feel safe, not only physically, but emotionally? Is he well-mannered, not putting you down or making you feel inadequate? Do you have anything in common? Does he possess any of the qualities from your short list? Are you bored? Are you enjoying yourself, or is the date a chore? Is your conversation easy or strained? Catching him in a lie is also a huge red flag. Trust your instincts. 

Even if he did or said something annoying, if he passes most of the questions I mentioned, give a second date a try. Give yourselves a chance to let your hair down and get to know each other with the first date jitters and awkwardness out of the way. It only takes one to make it all the way to being that Mr. Right.

---

Dear Ella,

I recently met a sweet fellow at a party. He asked me out on a date, and I happily accepted. We were out for a walk after a lovely dinner, and he mentioned he would prefer to date women who have children. He is recently divorced and has two daughters 12 and 15.

At first I just thought it was an odd thing to say, but he explained that he didn’t feel a woman who has never raised children would understand that he has to put his kids first. I don’t have kids, and therefore don’t meet his criteria, but I like this guy and his values. Do you think I should bother trying to pursue him, and change his mind?

Sincerely,

Kidless & Single

Dear Kidless & Single,

I think on the surface, this fellow is admirable. First, his priority is his daughters, which tells me he is a hands-on dad. Second, he is being honest with you from the start, also an commendable trait. 

The question then turns to you. Are you comfortable taking second place in this relationship right from the start? He is telling you that you will never be No. 1. Can you handle that? Is that what you want?

I think what he really needs is time to adjust to his new lifestyle and experience what it’s like to be in the dating world again. He needs to stop being judgmental if he wants to succeed. Being a mother is not the only criteria that makes a woman understanding. There are plenty of divorced mothers who are ready to be No. 1 one in their man’s life, and there are plenty of single childless women, who may even want to get to know his kids and be part of their lives. 

Although this guy may have his priorities straight, his narrow-minded views tell me he’s not ready for the dating scene yet. He has growing and learning to do. Are you sure you want to be the one to teach it to him?